I hate u, I love u
by sometimes.i.am.lola
Summary: Wildfire Pt. 1: Diego finding his way back to Vanya after a decade.
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: I was listening to I hate u, I love u by Gnash and Olivia O'Brien and this idea came to me. So, here it is and please enjoy. Let me know if you like it. Not beta read._**

**_Feeling used, but I'm still missing you, and I can't see the end of this,_**

**_Just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips,_**

**_And now all this time, is passing by, but I still can't seem to tell you why,_**

**_It hurts me every time I see you, realize how much I need you,_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,_**

DPOV

Making his way through the dark halls of the theater, Diego finds his way to one of the balcony seats. The area is in near complete darkness since only the area near the stage is lit up for the orchestra's practice. He was on his way to meet with a contact when he saw her slip in through the side door.

He hasn't seen her in a while, years really, if one doesn't count these sightings. More accurately, he hasn't talked to her in years. Not really. He was so angry when the book came out. So hurt, but anger is easier, especially for him. Anger has always been easier for him. Anger for his childhood that never existed, anger for his dad that isn't really his dad, anger for siblings that all disappeared, one by one, some literally, some figuratively. He has anger at himself for failing, for trying in the first place, for wanting, and needing, and avoiding.

Sometimes, he finds himself slipping into her apartment when all the lights are out and the street is dark. Sometimes, she's there, laying in her bed or on her couch, breathing softly with restless sleep. If she's in her living room, he'll mostly stay out on the fire escape, taking only a moment to be sure that her doors and windows are locked. If she's in bed, he'll sit on her couch, maybe take a moment to rest from his nightly patrol, letting her easy breathing and constant movement against the sheets lull him into a light doze.

Now, he sits in the balcony, the sheaths of his many knives covering their silver glint when a stray sliver of light makes its way in his direction. It's a pretty rare occasion, seeing as they only have one light that rotates and it does so very slowly. He's not even sure why they have that light except that maybe it's one more thing the director or whatever uses to distract anyone that doesn't belong there from playing their instrument.

It never works on her.

He wants to close his eyes as he listens to her, his familiarity with her and his own Academy training allowing him to pinpoint her notes with a scary kind of accuracy. He doesn't close his eyes, though, since he's not even supposed to be in here and he's unwilling to get caught by anyone, especially her.

Hating that he feels this need to always know where she's at, if she's okay, what she's doing, he clenches his fists as his posture goes rigid. He doesn't want this. Doesn't want to have to keep track of her as if she's not an adult who left all of them behind a long time ago, him perhaps a little more recently than the others, even though even that feels like a lifetime ago.

Everything with him and her feels like a lifetime ago. Somehow. It feels like they've lived multiple lifetimes together, ended in so many ways that he can feel the cut of each of them in ways that no one should feel. He's wondered, on multiple occasions, if that is somehow the power that Sir Reginald says she doesn't have. Maybe she makes people feel it when she cuts herself from their lives, when she cuts them loose.

Because, despite them all pretending, despite the way they treated her for her whole life, each and every one of them felt it when she cut them off. Clipped them away as easily as taking a pair of scissors to their family portrait. Maybe it was the loss of Five followed by Ben that made it worse, maybe they'd all lost too much. Or maybe that was her power.

With her, she took her music and any semblance of joy or passion or even melancholy that permeated the house. There was no more music, not even Luther's records.

So, Diego comes here, sometimes. Sneaking in to hide in the balcony seats as he listens to her play, the other instruments barely a white noise compared to her.

The song comes to an end and he melts backwards into the fading darkness as the main lights come on and light, honey colored eyes slide open and up to where he'd been standing moments before. His gut clenches along with his heart as that familiar pain of rejection prickles through his body like tiny pinpricks of icy fire.

And with that feeling, he turns and leaves, his fists clenched tightly once more as he stalks outside, slamming open the door of the theater and startling two people walking by. His dark gaze and lowered brows cause them to look away quickly as his lip lifts in a silent snarl. He won't make his meeting today. He needs a drink.

**_2x7_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you,_**

**_You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her,_**

EPOV

Eudora knew going into this relationship that it wouldn't be easy. She knew that. Diego has so many issues, she could write them one by one and probably never be done. He has peculiarities that she doesn't get, preferences that make absolutely no sense and he refuses to explain. He accepts no comfort after nightmares and, in fact, prefers to act as if they don't exist. He needs everything to be a fight and if it's not, he'll make it into one. And he cannot stand music of any kind.

She tries to keep up with all of it but occasionally, she finds herself wanting to know why she puts in so much work. He puts in work, too, but it's more along the lines of her favorite coffee, or her preferred gun next to her service weapon. He pays attention to the strange things that most men wouldn't. He has no idea what her favorite flower is, much less if she likes even flowers.

Although, in one instance, she'd watched him pause at an outdoor flower vendor and lightly graze his fingers over a white egret orchid. She never saw him touch something so gently before or after that one incident. And when he'd seen her watching he'd gruffly turned and started walking again as if nothing had happened.

It's not until his sister's book comes out that Eudora learns that that particular flower is her favorite.

And then, Eudora learns a few other things.

She follows him, against her better instincts, and sees that he sneaks into Vanya's window at night and that he sneaks into the theater on days. She doesn't know what he does inside, what he and Vanya do. But she knows that they're not really siblings and that makes it worse.

He'd told her, and then the book told her, that they were siblings in name but not fact. They were strangers, barely friends, that lived in the same house until they were smart enough to escape. To leave and never turn back. Vanya left first.

The relationship becomes on and off after the first time they run into Vanya on the street. They're on a date and apparently she is, too. And Eudora sees the way Diego looks at Vanya, the way he looks at Vanya's date. She questions him about why they never talked later that night and it ended in argument. They became on and off and he started sneaking into Vanya's apartment and the theater.

Every time they were on, they'd end in an argument. Turning back to off when Eudora continuously woke up in the middle of the night, all alone, knowing where Diego was and where he was supposed to be.

In a night of drunken anger, she accuses him of being in love with Vanya and he goes silent as his face pales. His ever-present anger fails him as his eyes fill with a pain she's never seen before. And she knows that she's right as he turns away and slams the door as he leaves but she never brings it up again.

Suddenly, more of his peculiarities and his need for anger and distance make more sense. A painful kind of realization hits her as she realizes that she'd said he's in love with Vanya, not loved, and he hadn't denied or refuted it in any way. He'd simply walked away and she hadn't brought it up again. It hurts because he's told her that he loves her but he still loves Vanya, maybe always will.

**_2x7_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_I miss you when I can't sleep, or right after coffee, or right when I can't eat,_**

**_I miss you in my front seat, still got sand in my sweaters, from nights we don't remember,_**

**_Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you,_**

**_Friends can break your heart, too, and I'm always tired but never of you,_**

DPOV

Startling awake, Diego ignores the thump, thump, thump of his heart. _Vanya, Vanya, Vanya. _He hates waking up after those dreams. Those dreams of late nights exploring the Academy and then other, later nights going to see up and coming bands. Nights of sneaking away and people watching when he's supposed to be patrolling. Of teaching Vanya how to spot a person that was up to something or to hide in the shadows. She had no trouble hiding in plain sight. Something Diego has never mastered and she'd always told him that he never would.

Not because he couldn't learn or wasn't good enough but because he had too much presence or was too noticeable. That's what she always said. That there's something about him that draws the eye and once someone sees him, they can't un-see him.

It had always confused him, that he could be that visible to people. At the Academy, he didn't quite feel invisible but the visibility was never good. He was always visible so Luther and Reginald could point out what he'd done wrong. What he could do better. What he should do better.

Slipping out of Eudora's bed, he dresses quickly and straps on his familiar blades before leaving and heading out on a patrol. Or, that's what he tells himself he's doing. He takes the longest route possible. Going left, instead of right, he walks around multiple blocks, like, actually around the blocks, checking all angles.

In all honesty, though, it doesn't take him long to get to Vanya's street. Not as long as it should, anyway. He makes his way up the fire escape and then into the apartment. It's not a nice place, not by a long shot, but at the same time he likes it. It's interesting. The wallpaper is half missing, peeling from the walls in some places and ripped away in others.

It's dreary and dark and always cold. He can hear her and at first, he pauses. Because, she's not in her bed like she should be. She's not asleep. He creeps down the short hall and stops at her door. The lights are off and he leans carefully against the wall as he watches her move across her bedroom floor. Her sleep shirt falls to mid-thigh and her slim arms are wrapped around her tiny body tightly. It takes him longer than it should to drag his eyes away from her small form and tousled hair to see that she's holding a phone to her ear and listening to someone speak, offering mumbled assurances.

He keeps his breathing steady as he listens carefully, trying to hear who could be on the other end. He almost never sees her with anyone except a date here and there with boys and girls. Nothing in the past few years, though. Then, he hears the last name he expected. Klaus. Diego's breathing stops in his throat for a moment and Vanya freezes in her steps.

He's at the window before she reaches the hallway and melting into the shadow of the building before she steps onto the fire escape and looks out. A sudden wind whips her hair around her face and she raises one hand to push it back, holding it in place so that she can scan for movement. Diego taught her well but she's not better at looking than he is at hiding. No one is that good. He watches her for a moment as she stands there, saying something into the phone that he can't hear. Probably a reassurance that everything is okay.

Diego makes sure that she's back inside before he leaves, cursing himself for leaving her window open even though he didn't have a choice. She'd have caught him if he stopped to close it.

Back at Eudora's place, he quietly steps through the door and heads for the kitchen to make some coffee. Unfortunately, the coffee pot is nearly full of freshly brewed coffee and he winces as he hears the bedroom door open. But, he pretends like everything is normal. After all, it's not like he doesn't ever patrol. She knows he patrols. So what if he went twice last night. And happened to end up at the one person's house that they always seem to argue about. Or, they used to.

They stopped arguing about Vanya a long time ago. Diego has to wonder if it's a good thing or not. Either Eudora realizes that it's a moot point because Diego is with _her,_ comes home to _her,_ or it's a moot point because she knows Diego won't stop and has just stopped caring. If she stopped caring then that probably means their relationship is over and has been for a long time. He's not sure how he feels about that but he's pretty sure it's not a good feeling. Even if there might be a small bit of relief mixed in there somewhere that he won't admit to.

Eudora doesn't say anything as she walks into the kitchen, just offers him a small smile as she pours coffee into a travel mug. She's already dressed for work.

Suddenly, he wants to apologize. But he can't. The words won't come out so he stays silent, as always. She leaves and he's left standing in the empty house, stillness surrounding him in an almost unnerving way because it feels heavy. He feels like he missed something and like the silence is trying to tell him, trying to let him know something important that he can't quite hear. He's pretty sure he knows what it is saying.

_It's over, over, over. She's gone, gone, gone._

And his heart is still beating heavily, thump, thump, thump. _Vanya. Vanya. Vanya._

**_2x7_**

**_If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit,_**

**_I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit,_**

**_I type a text but then I never mind that shit,_**

**_I got these feelings but you never mind that shit,_**

EPOV

Leaving without a word feels childish in a way but she does it any way. She walks out the door and heads for work. She idly wonders how Diego would feel if she snuck out at night and he followed her to another man's house. Hm.

She didn't follow him last night, she didn't have to. She hasn't followed him in a while because she knows where he goes and it was especially obvious last night when he'd woken from what Eudora had thought was a nightmare gasping Vanya's name. She'd blinked awake when he'd startled and then had a hand half reaching for him when she'd heard the name and stopped. He hadn't noticed that she had her eyes open as he'd gotten dressed and left. She's never known him to not notice something. It hurts.

Knowing that this time is really the end doesn't make it any easier. She thought that he would make the decision easier when they stopped arguing. They've stopped doing a lot of things. They don't go on dates, instead staying in to watch movies or things like that. They barely touch unless it's leading somewhere. No more simple touches or easy affection. There's barely any talking, either.

Eudora starts to call him from work but changes her mind. She's being cowardly and that's not something that she's ever been. But something is holding her back from going through with it.

She's glad she didn't call when towards the end of her shift she hears the news that his dad passed away. Now isn't the day to break up with him for good. No matter what their problems are, they've always been friends. And he's been in her life for too long for her to just leave when he's going to need someone to be there for him.

Finishing her shift, she heads home and spends the night talking to him about whether or not he'll go to the private funeral tomorrow. He doesn't even know if his other siblings will. But, in the end, he wants to make sure that his mom is okay so Eudora calls in for the time off and they go to bed early so they'll be rested for tomorrow's events.

**_2x7_**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Oh, oh, keep it on the low, you're still in love with me but your friends don't know,_**

**_If you wanted me you would just say so, and if I were you, I would never let me go,_**

**_I don't mean no harm, I just miss you on my arm, wedding bells were just alarms, caution tape around my heart,_**

**_You ever wonder what we could have been?_**

**_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did, lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix,_**

**_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed,_**

**_Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing, sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance,_**

**_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing, but I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_**

DPOV

Going to the funeral is a mistake. The first thing he sees is Vanya and Allison hugging in the entryway to the parlor. He frowns at the sight until Luther comes into the room and then he really wants to leave. Klaus follows and Diego is actually pretty glad to see him until he remembers that Klaus talked to Vanya two days ago and then he's unhappy again. Not a Klaus but at the fact that he seems to have a pretty good relationship with Vanya. So does Allison. Luther ignores her in favor of staring at Allison, the same way he always has.

Vanya starts to speak to him and he pulls his anger around him tightly and ignores her as he addresses Allison before escaping up the stairs. Incidentally, that leaves Eudora in the parlor with his dysfunctional family. He tries not to think about that and hopes that today, of all days, she will keep her silence regarding Vanya.

He's in his old room, looking around at all of his old things, things he hasn't seen in more than a decade. A light rap on his doorframe, the tapping of small knuckles, brings him around to see the one person he doesn't want to see. At least, the person he doesn't want to see him.

"You okay?" Vanya asks him softly as she moves into the room, nearly closing the door so that only a crack of space is visible. It offers the illusion of privacy while letting him know he can still escape. Something she'd started doing when they were young. Diego can't stand to feel trapped.

"Why are you here?"

"It's his funeral, Go." Her voice is low and his eyes narrow at the old nickname. She called him 'Go' because she said it was faster and he was always going. He thought it was stupid and silly but he'd never managed to get her to stop.

"And?" He asks her, stepping into her space and crowding her. And intimidation technique. "I was pretty sure you didn't care."

Vanya has never intimidated easy, despite being ordinary. Maybe it has something to do with growing up with superhuman siblings, Sur Reginald as a father, the AI Grace as a mother, and the chimp Pogo as a butler-slash-friend. Whatever it is, it frustrates him as she tilts her chin up and doesn't give an inch. His stomach presses to her chest, her chin tilting further so she can keep her eyes on his as he looks down into honey colored doe eyes.

"Just because he didn't care doesn't mean that I don't. He was still my father, as much as I hate to say it." She whispers the words as if they won't mean as much if only Diego hears her. As if she doesn't have to admit that she has a heart that could still feel something for someone as terrible as Sir Reginald. And yet, she can't feel the same for Diego. And he can't hold it in anymore, not today, because he feels something for his father, too.

"Why can you love him and not me?" The words are a desperate and angry whisper. A plea for her to tell him that he's not worse than that man, that he's worth something.

This, this is the thing that makes her take a step back. But Diego won't let her run this time. He reaches out, quick as lightning, and grabs her arms, feeling how small she is. It's been a long time since he's let himself touch her or even think about touching her.

"Tell me."

Vanya doesn't move from his grip though they both know that he'd let her go if she really wanted to. He let her go before. He's pretty sure he could do it again.

"I've always loved you." She tells him with a furrowed brow as if she can't believe he doesn't know. "Always, Diego. But neither of us could be trapped in this house and that's exactly what would have happened. Yo would've wanted me to stay to protect me and I would have. And I couldn't."

"I would've gone with you."

"No. You wouldn't have. You only left because there was nothing here for you anymore. And you needed out just as much as I did."

A tear escapes Vanya's eye and he releases her to cup her cheek, wiping the tear with his thumb as he steps even closer. She breathes in sharply as his other hand moves up her arm and over her shoulder ending at the back of her head, cupping her skull and tangling in the soft locks of her hair.

"Don't." She whispers and it sounds less like a demand and more like a plea.

Diego moves slowly, leaning down and pressing his forehead to hers. Her eyes close and then so do his as she releases a shaky exhale. Her hands come up and rest on his forearms like she's thinking of using them to pull herself up. Or pull his hands away from her.

"Do you remember the last time we were in here together?" His mouth moves but the sound is so low the words are nearly imperceptible. But he knows she hears because her breath hitches in a different way and her fingers tighten lightly before releasing again and he knows she's hoping he didn't notice.

"We shouldn't be here." Vanya answers him and he opens his eyes to look at her, pulling away slightly to get a better look and he sees her eyes dart towards the desk and then the bed. Yeah, she remembers.

On a whim, Diego turns them quickly and backs her up into the desk, much like he did back then. Her hips hit the desk and her back leans over it as he presses into her, watching her pupils dilate until her eyes are black. This is one thing she didn't put in her supposed tell-all book.

He plants his hands on the empty surface and watches her tiny fingers grip the edge as she looks away and bites her lip. He's not sure of his intentions, he'd began by wanting to see what she would admit to, what she would say or do. Now, he wants to see how far she'll let him go, what she'll let him do. Just like the last time.

"Van-ya." He draws her name out in a sing-song tone, the one she'd said was scary and sexy, and wonders if she'll react to it. She does, her head snapping back as she looks back up at him and he takes his chance, pressing his lips against hers.

The kiss is chaste, in the technical sense. But it's full of anger and passion and lust and love and need. And that makes it something else.

It's not until he hears footsteps in the hallway that he realizes that the bedroom door is open and Klaus, Allison, Luther, and somehow, Five is standing there gaping at them. And then the front door slams and he realizes that the footsteps were Eudora.

**_2x7_**

**_When love and trust are gone, I guess this is moving on, everyone I do right does me wrong, so every lonely night I sing this song,_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you,_**

**_You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her,_**

**_All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen,_**

**_You don't care you never did, you don't give a damn about me,_**

**_Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her, she is the only thing you ever see,_**

**_How is it you never notice, that you are slowly killing me?_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you,_**

**_I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you,_**

**_You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her_**

EPOV

She'll never understand why she thought this was a good idea. She just doesn't know. The original meeting with the family wasn't too bad until Diego snapped at Vanya and she was surprised at the venom in his tone. He'd disappeared up the stairs and Eudora had been pulled into a conversation with Allison and Klaus.

It is a while later that she notices Vanya had disappeared and her heart sinks. But this is a big house, he could be anywhere and she could be on the other side. It's entirely plausible. A bright light outside catches the families attention and while they head out, she heads for the stairs. To see if Diego is okay.

Hearing voices, she walks towards them and finds herself at a partially closed door with a brass number two on the outside.

"Don't." Eudora hears the soft whisper and her stomach starts knotting up again. The tone is off and doesn't match the word.

Stepping carefully, she presses her fingers to the door and eases it open. The occupants are completely unaware as she stands in the doorway, her cheeks heating, her eyes filling, and her hands shaking.

Diego presses his forehead to Vanya's and Eudora can't see their faces. Vanya's back is to her but it's a testament to his distractedness that he doesn't notice the door or Eudora. Vanya's slim, long fingers grip his arms but that's all she does as Eudora considers clearing her throat, or yelling, or simply walking away. But she's stuck, her feet glued to the floor.

"Do you remember the last time we were in here together?" The words are barely audible but Eudora is just close enough and the house is just quiet enough that she can hear them. And she wishes she hadn't because they send her mind racing as Vanya's grip tightens.

"We shouldn't be here." Vanya's voice is clearer but still low and Eudora finds herself a little bit grateful that at least one of them has some sense, though she doubts it's her that Vanya is thinking of.

Diego moves back and still he doesn't see Eudora, his eyes only focused on the small woman in front of him. His eyes light and he turns them, walking them towards the lone desk in the room and nearly bending Vanya over backwards along the top of it.

His hands go to the heavy, dark surface as Vanya's grip the edge in a white knuckle grip, fingers digging into the wood. If she was strong like Luther is supposed to be the desk would break under her grip. There are footsteps behind her and she doesn't have to turn to know it's the rest of the Hargreeves family. They all stop in their tracks at the sight of her before crowding around the door and gasping, brows raising in surprise.

"Van-ya." Diego sounds different, she's never heard him talk like that and in another situation she'd have chills racing up her spine. Instead, it's dread that does the racing as she tries to make her feet move. Vanya looks up at the tone, her head moving so quickly she must get whiplash and then Diego has his mouth on hers. The force of it and the heat behind it unglues her from her spot and she can't take it anymore.

Eudora turns away and runs down the hall, none of the family following her, too busy watching the spectacle behind her. She counts herself lucky as she makes it out the front door and races down the street to try to catch a cab.

She can feel the tears threatening and she's angry when Diego catches up with her. His lips are slightly swollen and she looks passed him, up the street, to the gate of The Umbrella Academy. She sees Vanya leave the house with a slightly familiar, younger boy at her side and head in the opposite direction. Diego turns to see what she's looking at and Eudora can see the pain in his eyes. The longing.

"Just go, Diego." Eudora tells him and he turns back to her with a frown. It's not that she didn't know that this was coming, it's that she hadn't expected it to happen this way. She hadn't expected to be confronted with the reality of it, the veracity of Diego's love for Vanya. "We both knew it was over. It has been for a while. I just figured we could make it official after the funeral."

A bitter laugh escapes her and she puts her hands over her face for a moment, trying to calm her emotions. She doesn't want this to end in a fight, as much as Diego might deserve it. She definitely doesn't want to fight on a street corner where everyone can hear their business.

"Just go."

Diego looks at her sadly and nods, backing away before turning and heading after Vanya as Eudora turns and hails a cab.

**_2x7_**


End file.
